under another sun

Felt inspired and optimistic this morning, after my recent conversations. I began with the idea of reinventing what I am doing business wise, and had many ideas. Felt good and suddenly as if I were on the front foot again -- had lots of ideas and spent the morning hammering them down. Down to Preston Park this morning and off to Hassocks, a wretched delay meant I had to hurry from Hassocks station to arrive at Clayton Woods natural burial site, where Janet and Ken's ashes were going to be laid side by side. I met Madeline, Hus, Reem, May, Bren, Sonia and Ray there. Rod and Clare, Caroline, Nick and Sandie and a few other grandchildren and grand nieces. We had squelched our way to the small square grave, when it was clear Anne Lamacraft had been very much delayed, so it being a very informal affair, Madeline and I zoomed off in Madeline's car to collect her. Not seen Anne for many years. The ceremony was self conducted, but quite pleasant, those who wanted put earth on the s...

A quiet morning working on my new story and writing emails. Wasted time putting together an email about Janet and Ken's interment on 28th October, and when I emailed Caroline to get some details, she said she was sending one out today. Then to the gym which I enjoyed,  while Beth was seeing an acting student. After I sat in a cafe in the park down by the newt pool and started drafting a poem. I had not done this for months. On the way back I bumped into Simon in the park, and had a chat with him. He is still looking well and keeping really fit after a major heart attack a couple of years ago. Home and I watched The Daily Politics, as I ate my post gym sandwich. Shameful scenes in the reconvened House of Commons yesterday. Fuelling the kind of crap I saw when I strayed onto a pro-Brexit page today on facebook: Greta Thunberg a poor retarded girl being exploited by socialist parents, (global warming naturally all lies) Corbyn, Sadiq Khan and Diane Abbot hate figures. People wanti...

A poor night's sleep, so happy not to have rush off anywhere. I caught up with various bits of my own work this morning, looking at the cover for my kindle painted by my secret squirrel cover artist on canvas-like paper. Flattening it now, as it arrived curled up in a tube and has been painted on a canvas like paper. Very pleased with it. At lunchtime off to meet Madeline at Fourth & Church in Hove, for a long chat over a glass of wine and a delicious bite to eat. Madeline was saying that the seasons always remind her of previous ones. Then we went into Janet and Ken's house to read the meters and tidy things up a bit. With the Brexit crisis the viewings have been thin on the ground and the price keeps dropping. Personally I have no skin in the game whether it sells or not, but we did decide to clear the fridge and freezer of stuff that was left over from Janet and Ken's time, as well as remove assorted medications that had been left in the bathroom. Year old food and...

Feeling positive this morning, and as if I have all the components for a new phase at my fingertips. Now I have accepted the idea of putting things on kindle, I will also put my dormant marketing project on there too. It was sufficiently interesting for at least one publisher to call me in to talk about it, and the other rejections I had were because it was a bit niche. Amazon is the perfect medium for niche stuff, so I will give it a go too. The children's book is now with an editor. So damn the torpedoes! This buoyancy fine till one of the poetry MS I sent out yesterday was rejected in record time. Gah. Swings and roundabouts. Lorraine came home early, and we went off to Phoenix arts building for 4:30, where Sue Kay and Madeline had organised a tribute to Janet. There was all kinds of interesting work there from Janet's archives, a cookbook she had written, and letters and several publications and editorships, even her old PhD thesis which I read and am thanked in the intr...

Received a phone call from Madeline this morning to say that Rod had let her know that Ken had died yesterday. To be honest while obviously saddened at my old friend's passing, I think that living in a world without Janet was little joy for him.  With his vascular dementia I felt I had been saying goodbye to him by inches for the last few years anyway. Sitting with him while Janet was ill brought back memories of how he used to be, and the good times we had. I feel that I did not let him down, when things got difficult, and I helped him the best I could.  A man with a huge appetite for life, who loved song and languages, and loved Janet greatly. Madeline asked me to send out a note, and Sonia said that it was the end of an era. In other news, I simply stayed at home today, working on my own bits and pieces.  Shortly after I spoke to Madeline a noticed a strange bird in the tree outside. I snapped it with my lumix to get a better look at it. After I looked it up and it w...

An early breakfast, Lorraine phoning Sam and discovering that he was on his way down to Brighton, which made her very happy. I pottered about this morning, sending more poems off. Then I met Madeline for lunch  at Fourth and Church again, really good food in there, and quite sedate. It is were hipsters in their seventies seem to go, and they must know a thing or two about food. Delicious tapas style grub. One dish really great, a black bean mole sauce chorizo dish, with chocolate and nutmeg in it. Madeline paid, which was sweet of her. Hopefully I can buy her the next one when I am not pinching every penny. We went into Janet and Ken's house. Even though they are not there now, it still smells like their house. I am pleased we were together, which normalised it.  Madeline had a few bits to collect, and we looked at Janet's academic papers, I had not realised she had authored or co-authored so many of them. While we mentioned each other's writing, our conversations were so...

Off this morning to Bolney in Lorraine's car for the school inset day. Lorraine and I presented the branding work on the school vision. Strange to be making a work presentation with Lorraine to the school's staff and governors. Enjoyed having a warm up session first, where we all played two games for ten minutes. Got talking to one of the new governors, a retired GP called Tony, who was interesting. I asked him how he avoided being psychically drained by his patient's problems. He said that you had to learn to be a mirror and not a sponge. Lorraine drove me to Hateful Heath station at lunchtime, and I trained back to Brighton, and went around to Janet and Ken's house. Remembering only with a few attempts, the door code. The house mostly empty and the painting I had long admired with a posit with For Peter written on it, and Janet with a heart. Took this back on the bus. A old man asked me if it were a print or an original, I said original. I explained the circumstance...

Janet died this evening. I had been to the hospice at lunchtime and I found Hus and Ken in his wheelchair in the car park. Ken had just been taken to see Janet, and was about to be driven off to Leamington in the car with Rod and Claire and Caroline. I heard later that Ken had said in a moment of clarity that she would not last the day. He seemed very sad then, but apparently was singing in the car most of the way north. I went into the hospice and said hello to Ken's family who were just leaving, and to Kim and Heather who were staying put.  I spent a little time with Janet, who was not conscious, and breathing hard. I held her hand, Kim and Heather asked me if I wanted to be alone with her, but there is no unfinished business between us I didn't need this.  When the nurses came to change her position, and then move her into a single room with a view of the garden. Hus and I left and drove back to Ken and Janet's house.  I thought I might pick up the power of ...

So with all the agency work behind me, Janet in the hospice, Ken being looked after by his family, I was free to go to my stained glass class with a clear conscience this morning. Nice to be there, although it was a case of two steps forward and one step backwards, as I broke the corner off an irregular piece I'd spent ages nibbling. In the middle of happily doing the glass, I had a wave of anxiety, and went out of the room and had a panic attack, and felt very shaky for a couple of minutes. This follows the typical pattern for me, of dealing with a crisis and then feeling the anxiety later on. Luckily these days panic attacks are extremely rare for me, and I know how to deal with them. In a few minutes I was back in the class getting on with things and everything was fine. Chatting to Ben afterwards. I really like him. Then on the bus to Martlet's hospice to see Janet. Met Hus and Kim there, and Hus's brother. Good chat there just making sure that we were all on the same...

Up with the sparrows and working on the French brief, from just gone seven as yesterday. Hus phoned me at nine asking me when I was arriving to look after Ken. I had to tell him this was impossible today, which made me feel bad. Then on with the day's work from my pals in Paddington. I have told them about what's going on, and luckily this particular job is coming to an end soon. They are lovely people, but this particular project is one that even with an electron microscope I would not be able to locate any interest. This all ended around 6:30. But hurrah! No commute. Feeling under the weather today, and Lorraine coughing and tired when she got home. Luckily I had cooked a chicken curry and this turned out quite well, and we watched the other half of Back to the Future, which, I suppose, was mildly entertaining. Felt bad that I hadn't done anything on the Janet and Ken front today, but badly needed to focus on work, and just step back for a bit.  Rod and Claire are t...

Monday and up with the sparrows and working on my French brief for two hours till 9:30 whereupon I began my day's work. However the Martlet's nurse was coming around to see Janet this morning, and I felt I had to be there, so I taxied off there to be there for 11:30. Janet seemed bright today, and was sitting up on her newly delivered tilting medical chair. When the nurse arrived Janet was somewhat downplaying her symptoms. Janet asked Hus to take Ken for a smoke in the back, and Heather and I filled in the gaps a bit. Ray and Sonia dropped in too. I had to leave after the meeting, but I was pleased I had been there. Janet just wanted to hold my hand, before I left, but I had to go after a bit as I was feeling stressed about work. Home again, and hard work till sixish. Interspersed with calls from a very stressed Hus and others about Janet and Ken. I managed to screw a couple of minor things up as I worked too, which is unlike me and made me feel bad. I am oppressed by work...

Wretched cats woke me at six, and I despised them for it. Back to bed after feeding them, feeling exhausted, and slept till 11. Lovely Lorraine bringing me breakfast in bed, including lots of fried tomatoes I had pilfered from Janet's garden yesterday. A bit of home lurking, and discussing what would happen to the Spare 'Oom, when we turn in into a wee workshop, and measuring walls and so on. I also called First Matie for a chat, which was nice as we hadn't spoken for ages. She has just installed a wood burner. Then off to Janet and Ken's and spent several hours there this afternoon and evening. I felt like I had hit a wall this morning, feeling tired and feeble, however, I snapped out of it when I arrived at Janet's house, which was thronging when Lorraine and I arrived. Rod, Ken's son, and Clare his wife, as well as Georgie and Madeline. Hus turned up shortly after us. Lorraine Hus and I had a long chat with Rod and Clare, to discuss what will happen to Ken,...

Spoke to Carl this morning, asking his advice on the Ken and Janet situation. And spoke to Mum as I was walking over to Hove to meet Beth in Caffe Nero. A quick coffee there before buying Janet an Ice Chocolate Mocha and taking it round. Lots of people about today, Hus there as well as Ken's son Nick. Plus various nurses and carers visiting, and someone to take Ken out for a trundle in the sunshine on his chair. It was exhausting for Janet and Ken. Beth and I, in between talking to people, running various errands and so on, got a few things stuck the walls, such as key phone numbers, medications and a timetable to note who is coming when. I also spoke to the social worker. Very pleased to talk to the very chatty Nick, who is town crier of Axminster,  and discover he said he had no intention of having Ken far from him after Janet dies. A deluge of emails later from Ken's family trying to find ways to help. Hus now has to focus on getting work. It all feels somewhat overwhelmin...

Up a smidge before noon, having had tea and breakfast in bed. A few bits and pieces around the house, and then Lorraine and I bused into town to go to Marks and Sparks to buy some bits for Janet. Then we walked along the seafront to Hove, where we popped in for an hour. Hus, sleeping in the spare room, but Janet and Ken both up.  Janet in good spirits today and Lorraine helped her onto the chaise lounge that her mum Maggie, who I knew well, had bought her when she passed her PhD. By the time we had reached Hove the clouds had gone and it was a perfect blue sky. After seeing Janet and Ken, we went around the corner to Caffe Nero where we met Beth for a coffee and a catch up, before jumping on the bus home. There we discussed plans for reorganising one of the bedrooms into a studio, where Lorraine can do embroidery, jigsaws and so on, and I can do stained glass and art. It's part of a vision that is an alternative to sitting about watching TV in the evening. Sometimes TV must b...

Up fairly early this morning, I made breakfast and we had a spot of pottering about in the garden, which was immensely good fun. Then off to see Janet and Ken. Met Janet's pal Sonia there, and then  Spent some of the afternoon and evening with them. Janet had been up this morning, but was back in bed. A hospital style bed had been delivered, which can raise up and down. Lorraine and I chatting with them, and running various errands. Later Lorraine made food for Ken, and I emptied Ken's pee bag, which was a new experience. Ken chatting quite a bit, although asking us the same thing over and over. But he is still full of surprises, and his ability to remember songs and foreign languages is undiminished. He sang old music hall songs, including a song called, I discovered today with google, She was a sweet little dicky bird which concludes with the lines 'We parted on fighting terms/ she was one of the early birds/and I was one of the worms." Also he sang a song called I...

Up early and working from home, but a very difficult day dominated by Janet even though I did not see her. She was unwell today. I had calls with Hus, Georgie (a friend of Janet's), and Rod, plus sent various emails. I am finding the experience stressful, as all the practicalities are new to me, people seem to be looking to me to know what to do, and obviously I feel very sad about Janet.  I feel as if I am wearing a heavy greatcoat all the time. Not much other news, other than having to work on stuff from my pals from Paddington. This was a bit fraught too as items I'd sent them hadn't been received, and I thought they were demanding another piece of work I had not yet done and so on.  I am writing about events in an internal conference of a pharmaceutical company. It seems so trivial at the moment. Brian seems much recovered, and flinging himself desperately at the front door when I opened it in an attempt to escape. Thankfully he seems much better. Calliope sitting o...

Up with Lorraine and the sparrows. Breakfast, and then dosed Brian up with painkillers by rubbing his gums. This a two person job, although Brian seemed unusually philosophical about it. He sits about like a smack head afterwards, and stares happily into space. By evening he was moaning at me about wanting to go out, and is gradually seeming quite a bit brighter. So working at seven in a bit of a frenzy to get stuff sent off to my friends in Paddington. They were kind enough to give me time to taxi over to Janet's house. Due to a glitch on the Taxi app, a second taxi arrived at my house while I was in the first. Driver two phoned me angrily, but I had none of it. I arrived at Janet's the same time as Hus. Long meeting with the palliative care nurse from Martlets, and the social worker.  I left feeling the wheels were turning. Janet has a tendency to downplay her need at crucial times, so I am pleased Hus and I were there. While everything wasn't completely sorted out, K...

So off to Paddington, feeling very yawny and tired. Slightly early arrival, so walked momentarily by the canal. A small part thickly carpeted by duckweed, and a man on a strange boat apparently designed to scoop stuff, like duckweed from the surface. Work fine, and nice to see some of the folks there. Took a vague brief this morning and then was then allowed to go home, as I had negotiated working from home. Worked in the afternoon at my desk. Meanwhile Brian taken to the vets this morning by Betty. He is very poorly indeed with they think, pancreatitis and is in lots of pain. He has not eaten in three days. Spoke to Betty about him and Lorraine.  However when Lorraine brought him back from the vets (he had to be put out for the tests as he wasn't having any of it) he made straight for his food and had a few mouthfuls. He has shaved bits, and I held him down gently as Lorraine rubbed some kind of pain killer into his gums. Hus called me this evening, worn out with looking aft...

My thoughts very much with Janet today. I had a call about them from their old friend Ros this morning. Lorraine and I called around to see her and Ken this afternoon, and we spoke to Hus and May. While we were there another friend of Janet's called Georgie called around. In the evening, I sent a note out later to several of Janet and Ken's friends and relatives with the latest news. They have requested 24 hour care, during a conversation this morning with the district nurse. After our visit, Lorraine and I went down to the seafront at Hove, where we sat on a bench listening to the sea for a bit in the sun. However and exuberant Hare Krishna parade terminated just behind us, in joyous singing and the distribution of fruit from a large cart. It was rather surreal, but made me feel suddenly quite cheerful. Odder was the life-size model guru they passed reverentially into the passenger seat of a car. It looked so real it could have given someone a nasty turn if found unexpectedl...

Annoyingly the agency in Paddington were expecting me to work for them today, till around 10am. They did not, so I was able to zoom over to the stained glass window class. Spent a couple of hours there picking up the pieces of my window, and cutting new bits of glass. Ben had a new influx of students, plus the four I had been with last time. Had a quick coffee afterwards with classmates, or should that be glassmates, Chris, Yvonne (she of the father with a pet crocodile) and her pal who has joined the class, called Adele. Loved escaping into thinking about glass. Then I went to Janet and Ken's house and I spent the afternoon there till early evening, running various errands for Janet and just generally doing what I could to help. Janet had been in bed all day. Lorraine came after work, and warmed up some food for Ken, then drove us home a bit later when Hus arrived. There was a night care organised by his daughter May for the evening. Once home Lorraine and I decided to buy a...