under another sun

Feeling under the weather this weekend: a mild temperature, sore throat, headache and general lifelessness. As these are all symptoms of Covid after a double jab, and I had been training up to London and back earlier in the week, and had gone to the gym, I did a precautionary PCR test, Lorraine driving us through a carpark at Sussex University, we got the results early the next morning: both negative. Those drive through places really well organised, cheerful and strangely reassuring.  Lorraine did everything alone on Saturday, while I mainly lurked in bed. She took the cats to the vets for their yearly M.O.C. ministry of cats checkup, all basically okay. She also had an excellent haircut, arriving home with her hair long and flicking out.  Jade back to Scotland on Sunday morning. She and Sam seemed to have great time together. I felt hadn't had much time to chat to her. I delved back into reading about Emily Carr the Canadian painter. I had taken Janet's books on the subject ...

Unpleasantly surprised by a bout of  bad diarrhoea and a generally queasiness this morning. Cancelled an afternoon coffee with Chris, and instead worked all day and most of the night as whatever it was righted itself.  A year today since Janet died -- and notes back and forth to Madeline, assorted Canadians and Goodwins. All in all though, a much better day than the one I had this time last year. Weird to wake up in the night, without Lorraine. She had been zip wiring, and the trip is going well.

Up early and working for my pals in Paris all day. Phoned by the solicitor for Janet's estate to confirm  my bank account details, meaning I will receive the small legacy from Janet shortly. Bastards will bill me £48 for making that call, and doing the online bank transfer. Still it means I can pay Mum back money I borrowed from her, due to having to turn away work while taking care of Janet and Ken, and also pay for our flights to Sicily. All excellent. The folks I was working with last week asked me to resubmit the timesheet I had uploaded onto Yuno Juno, as it had the wrong branding. This took a while to work out. Otherwise a fine and sunny day, into which I plunged for two quick walks during the course of the day, and then a long amble in the park after work was done to get me to my daily 10k. The park full of people playing games, and sitting about as it was the first nice day in ages. Home just as Lorraine was arriving, I made salad and stuck some fishcakes into the oven ...

A cheery day. L booked flights on her iPad this morning for our summer holiday. General fussiness much improved after a good nights sleep today. Lorraine and I drove off to Janet's flat where a sale of her fabrics, bits of embroidery and materials was going on. The money going to Martlets. We bought some fabric, and a couple of half started embroideries, and a pair of her books about Japanese brush technique. Madeline was there, and we had a good chat with her about various bits to do with the estate. She has worked tirelessly as executor. I like her very much, and so does Lorraine. After this, we popped around to Canhams and bought a couple of excellent pies, and went across to Caffe Nero and scored some takeaway coffees and sat in the car and scoffed them. Then off to Rottingdean. There was an exhibition of contemporary stained glass in the tradition of Burne-Jones, in the Grange, put on by the Rottingdean Preservation Society. Lots of nice windows with painted glass, but lit...

A poor night's sleep and rather tired. Getting on with my writing, although my concentration not at its best. Spoke to Mum who said that the neighbours next door, the ones with a phobia of life on earth and with concrete dogs in their garden, have apologised to Mum for being weird. This is good news, and makes her and Mas feel much happier at home. Into town, popping in at the North Laine Brewhouse and The Eagle to ask about booking a space for people after the event which is happening on 16th May to celebrate Janet's work and achievements. It seems to have defaulted to me to sort this out reactivating feelings associated with being taken for granted which is pressing a few buttons. Then I bought a padlock and went to the gym. Got sweaty on the cross trainer. Sainsbury's. Then home to sit int he garden in the sun, although it was much colder than last weekend. Feeling like I am missing Lorraine, and pleased when she got home. We ate an excellent salad, and watched the...

Again, more positive for most of this last day of January. Working on a small poem I'd started a few days ago about snow, and spent the morning sending out queries for my children's novel to five new agents. Afterwards I saw on Instagram one of the people I had attended the Children's event with at Bloomsbury and saying that every rejection felt like a step closer to acceptance. Love the optimism there. In the afternoon a watched the second half of a brilliant documentary featuring Antony Gormley looking at How Art Began, featuring cave paintings by Neanderthals all the way to Australian rock art. A beautiful and eye opening documentary. This subject matter really excites my imagination, which has been keen on this ever since I read a book called The Mind in the Cave. Went out for a walk up to the golf course on the edge of the downs. Bitingly cold up there, and the snow clinging on, and getting ready to be refreshed. Lorraine home early to beat the snow, and I decide...

A much better frame of mind today. Janet's obituary was published in the paper version of the Guardian, which I bought from the cornershop, and then Madeline asked me to buy some more for her and Sue as she was isolated by snow-caused traffic jams. Sent out a note to some of Janet's pals to let them know about the paper. I then brushed up some work on the Waiting photo project, which I sent to Innis we are going to meet up later in the week to chat about it. Also started work on the Centaur project, which I had not been in the right mental space for. The last few days have been a kind of logjam, but things are moving again now, and this makes me feel much happier. Off to the gym again today, which helped get my grrrs out. In the evening, Anton took me out for a drink, which was kind. Had a few drinks and mooched around town popping into various pubs and generally having a bit of a laugh, which was exactly what I needed.

Woke up with my head buzzing with ideas, as Calliope and Brian walked on me. They are no respecters of hangovers. Fed the wretched weasels at about eight thirty and then made tea and crept back into bed. Cheery and optimistic today. I am usually dubious about January, and use the turn of the year to brood on my own shortcomings. This year I am simply not going to do that nonsense. Lorraine and I discussing in bed the iron discipline that we will employ to make a success of this year. I feel the need to heft myself up by my bootlaces. I am not fit, I am overweight (as ever at this time of year) and need to generate cash, and push on with my projects. Today, however, was about gently starting the year. Drank no booze today, for which my liver and kidneys are profoundly grateful. Lorraine cooked a rather marvellous turkey pie, as we were chatting to Mum on FaceTime.  Spoke also to Anton, who had watched all the Indiana Jones movies last night at home with a cold. Lorraine and I th...

This was the morning of the cremation of Janet, my friend of thirty years. A call from Rod as I was sorting out sombre clothes to wear. He and Claire took it in turns to literally scream at me about something to do with Ken and Janet's house. It seems that the Canadians had moved possessions around in preparation for taking things back to Canada. Nothing to do with me of course. But I was treated to a stream of abuse from both of them, about the house and how nobody was thinking about Ken. This from the family I had to persuade to take Ken's wellbeing seriously, as I was emptying their father's piss bag and chasing carers and catching Janet's puke in bowls and so on. I gave both of these fucking idiots what for in no uncertain terms. Unfortunately, after I ended this call I was shaking with anger.  It was only by talking to Lorraine, that I began to calm down a bit. But I was too furious and upset to go to the cremation, where apparently there were unseemly scene...

Various bits of admin with Janet this morning. As the Canadians have to return home, they have swiftly organised a cremation on Friday and I booked the room upstairs at Grand Central for a celebration of her life, with a buffet and so on. I was sent two address book lists from Janet's computers with many contacts, and I had to sift through these to send the invite out this evening once the details were sorted. This a difficult process, not helped by the mail program freezing and me having to force quit it half way through and start again. However much more enjoyably I went up to London today to meet Mum, the first time in too long. We had a nice afternoon, meeting in the Waterstones bookshop in Bloomsbury, where I couldn't help but buy two books, and then visiting The Grant Museum of Zoology, an odd little place stuffed with bleached out pickled creatures, such as a jar of moles or a jar of lugworms, and various skeletons, including one of the rarest skeletons in the world, a...

A poor night's sleep. I came downstairs and had a chamomile tea at around 4am, with Calliope delightedly purring on me for half an hour. Being the day after Janet died, there were lots of calls this morning.  Pat phoned me to send his and Maureen's condolences and saying that him and Maureen were sad about Janet's death. Then I went to Janet and Ken's house, and met Madeline, Hus, May, Heather and Kim. After a protracted but ultimately successful search for Janet's passport, we all drove to Martlets for a short meeting and to be handed over relevant certificates. Madeline said that to proceed, she had to be sure she was the named executor in the will, so May drove me home as I had a copy of the will. We got stuck in traffic, I enjoyed chatting with May though, she is an intelligent and sensitive person. May and drove us back to Third Avenue and waited for the others, who had gone to the Town Hall to collect the death certificates, of which many were needed. Felt...

Janet died this evening. I had been to the hospice at lunchtime and I found Hus and Ken in his wheelchair in the car park. Ken had just been taken to see Janet, and was about to be driven off to Leamington in the car with Rod and Claire and Caroline. I heard later that Ken had said in a moment of clarity that she would not last the day. He seemed very sad then, but apparently was singing in the car most of the way north. I went into the hospice and said hello to Ken's family who were just leaving, and to Kim and Heather who were staying put.  I spent a little time with Janet, who was not conscious, and breathing hard. I held her hand, Kim and Heather asked me if I wanted to be alone with her, but there is no unfinished business between us I didn't need this.  When the nurses came to change her position, and then move her into a single room with a view of the garden. Hus and I left and drove back to Ken and Janet's house.  I thought I might pick up the power of ...

Lorraine ill with a cough, little voice and generally ill.  She however insisted on driving me to the hospice were she dozed in the carpark, and spoke to Maureen on the phone. She didn't go in, not wanting to infect people. Ken, Hus and Caroline there already. Caroline sitting outside the ward had asked to speak to the nurse to find out what the estimate of how long Janet might have is. The nurse said she could not say, but comforted Caroline who got upset about the situation. I had a chat with Caroline and Hus and a cup of coffee outside in the sun, while Janet was having some care.  I went in to check on Ken and he had been curtained out of Janet's bed while she was having some treatment, so I wheeled him outside to join them. I popped in later, and found Janet on her own. So that's an enema, she said with a grim smile. We chatted for a bit, she is perfectly able to talk and answer perfectly cogently, as long as people speak loud enough. She is always on the brink of ...

Another terrible night's sleep, and Lorraine with a cough and cold. All kinds of bad dreams, one involving my shadow , a disgusting version of myself. Another recent dream was being in a plane that because it was not able to fly high enough was skimming the rooftops near the Fulham Palace Road and was about to crash into the agency I once worked at near there. Up and slogging this morning first thing, but at least I had only one job to get done. Worked at this all day almost unrelentingly, till it was sent off late in the afternoon to mes amis in Paris. So the slog, temporarily, ends and I can focus on getting the Janet and Ken situation better managed. A sigh of relief, then I walked to Hove, albeit rather slowly as I have had one of those exhausting sore throats all week, and went to sit with Ken. Reem was there, making me laugh being entirely natural with Ken, and a carer who had dropped in. Reem and the carer left and I sat with Ken and we had over one hundred identical c...

Some of the pressure lifted today. I handed over the last bits of the job for my Paddington friends, who have been kind and understanding. This means that the impossible job of finishing both the Paddington work and the French work by Friday became possible. So after handing over, I spent the rest of the day slogging on the French work, by the end of the day I felt like the deadline tomorrow is now just meetable. In the morning the plumbers came around too and looked at the job, dropped off his invoice finally, and looked at our downstairs loo. I was surprised by Ken's son and his wife had to return home to the midlands today, leaving everyone scrabbling around to look after Ken. I said I'd sit with him tomorrow night. After pilates, an under the weather Lorraine drove us off to Martlets to see Janet.  Janet is on her own in a bare but pleasant room. She was too tired to talk much, so I just sat there holding her hand for ten minutes while she slept, Lorraine hold...

Lorraine and I up and were at Janet and Ken's for 7:30 this morning, shortly after the overnight nurse had left.  Enthusiastic rain and very grey. Apart from a bit of food and drink for Janet, all quiet for the first couple of hours. And Lorraine and I did some work on the sofa, me on my latest French brief and Lorraine on school things. Then Theodora, a really nice woman who had been Janet and Ken's cleaner came, and gave the place a deep clean. The Age UK nurse came, and Lorraine and I got Ken up, gave him coffee, and Lorraine and I took him to the bathroom for a wash. I am copying Lorraine. Then Hus arrived and we pushed off at around 11:30, and did a spot of shopping, and then had breakfast.  Looked at some work briefly, and snoozed briefly and did not much of anything, as the day brightened up outside. Spoke to Mum and Toby. Then Lorraine and I hopped on a bus and made off to Beth and John's flat, where Betty had cooked a roast chicken, and vegetables, and John had b...

Up and sorting a few things to do with work out, and then I walked across to Evolution arts to do stained glass for a couple of hours. Feels a friendly place these days. Yvonne texting me suggestions for horse therapy names during the day, as I'd mentioned this was one of my current briefs. I spent most of my time happily  nibbling bits of glass into shape with pliers. I have accepted slow progress, and no longer strain at the leash, and as a consequence enjoying the class much more. There was classical music on the radio and I said that it was like a rehabilitation centre for people recovering from a mental illness. One of my new classmates said she was an occupational therapist, and this was exactly the kind of thing they did. Then zooming straight to Janet's place for one o'clock. Janet's nieces Kim and Heather had arrived, and Janet was very happy chatting to them. I liked Kim and Heather very much right away.  I spent quite a bit of time with Ken watching him smo...

Up and off in a cab to Janet's place. Got stuck in traffic, I asked him the Italian cab driver people were being horrid to him after the Brexit vote, and they weren't. We agreed Brexit was a stupid idea of course. In the real world the reality of this unworkable idiocy is beginning tell. Prime minister May humiliated in Europe today, and given some home truths by the French President Macron, that the people who had promised that Brexit would mean great things for the people, were liars and have all disappeared. I do feel sorry for May. She is in an impossible position. So arriving at Janet's, Betty was there having come early. After conversations Beth told me that Hus had yesterday I wanted to talk to Janet about going into a hospice. Luckily she quickly told me she did not have to be persuaded that this was a good idea. She had a particularly rough night last night. I asked her to think about it again, and an hour later when Hus was there we discussed it again, and she w...

So more working from home on dribs and drabs of things from my friends in Paddington. Also lots of conversations about Janet and Ken, and I attempted several times to call the social worker in the afternoon without success. Beth at Janet and Ken as a kind of girl Friday, spoke to Beth several times, as well as Hus and Lorraine and others. An evening's respite with Anton, after we met in the Great Eastern, we went to Fatto a mano pizza in its new outlet in the North Laine. Great to hang out and chat about everything, and drink the beers that needed drinking in a few local pubs. With Janet's situation it looks like I must shelve going to Guernsey with Anton, which is a great shame.  However we played a few games of Batman pinball in which both Anton and I scored enough points to get free replays. We parted company after an absolute bloody final in the ever faithful Batty, and I walked home, and went straight to bed.

Lorraine off to work, and I got up to start work, having lapped up the tea Lorraine brought me in bed. Stressed first thing, however, with the client changing overnight what time the morning's teleconference would start.  I was up far earlier, but only discovered everything had changed overnight and the meeting was underway, and I couldn't load the necessary software either. The rest of the day fine though, working for the agency. Also caught up on some emails relating to Janet, bill my lovely French clients, chat to mum and send off a few emails.  I also had a long chat with Rod, Ken's son. Mum's car has passed its MOT, although the number plate that she had refreshed with new paint had to be replaced. Also chatting to Betty about going to Janet's house tomorrow morning. A couple of short walks too. Lorraine having an evening governors meeting so home late. I watched a documentary about early humans and tried to draw designs for stained glass windows. I can...