under another sun

Up early. Sent a long poem into Island Review. Did house stuff. Worked on book proposal. Then off to Hove to meet Madeline at Janet's house. We tidied the place up, and went through boxes of documents to see what was what. Lots of academic papers Janet had written, and lots of stuff for making embroidery. Tried to make the place look welcoming and inhabitable. Then Madeline brought me lunch nearby, in a lovely tapas-style meal in Fourth & Church. Nice to get to know her a bit better. Then back to the house, and pleased that it gave such a better feeling when we walked in. The man from Uden called around for a valuation, one of three Madeline is obliged to get. Anton had recommended him as being a gentleman. A bit more tidying and identifying things in boxes. Sad to be going through Janet's stuff like this and coming upon photos of her and Ken in happy times. Fond farewell with Madeline and then home to continue work. Spoke to Betty about possibly doing some cleaning in ...

No dram day: sent load of emails, then began work improving my children's book proposal after the weekend's session at Bloomsbury. Watched a Netflix documentary about the Black Panthers.Walked to Smiths in Churchill Square to spent my £15 Smiths token. Couldn't decide what to buy, so walked back again. Lorraine had a hard day at work. Looked after my wife. Went to bed.

Off this morning to Bolney in Lorraine's car for the school inset day. Lorraine and I presented the branding work on the school vision. Strange to be making a work presentation with Lorraine to the school's staff and governors. Enjoyed having a warm up session first, where we all played two games for ten minutes. Got talking to one of the new governors, a retired GP called Tony, who was interesting. I asked him how he avoided being psychically drained by his patient's problems. He said that you had to learn to be a mirror and not a sponge. Lorraine drove me to Hateful Heath station at lunchtime, and I trained back to Brighton, and went around to Janet and Ken's house. Remembering only with a few attempts, the door code. The house mostly empty and the painting I had long admired with a posit with For Peter written on it, and Janet with a heart. Took this back on the bus. A old man asked me if it were a print or an original, I said original. I explained the circumstance...

A tired day, have been fighting off something for days now and I have no energy. An extra hour's lie in with the clocks falling back, but Calliope didn't get the memo, however, so I got up early and fed the weasels and drank tea and caught up with this blog a bit sitting in bed. Also talking to Lorraine about what I'd learned yesterday, and also how I felt a bit disappointed in my own presentation. A few hours working on some branding stuff for Lorraine's school and then had a luxurious nap on the gold sofa as Lorraine continued working on her preparation. Then dancing about in the cold and rain potting up acers. Lorraine cooked chicken and leek pies and I phoned mum for a chat. Then we watched Dr Who, which was full of large spiders, looming nastily from the screen like Mondays.

Up before the sparrows, and Lorraine got up too to drive me to Three Bridges to avoid the rail replacement service. I travelled up to Bloomsbury Publishing's offices in Bedford Square. Walked from St Pancras, which made me feel as if I were working in Tavistock Square again. Nice to walk about that part of London when it is quiet. I walked past two rough sleepers, sleeping on a warm air vent. It is suddenly much colder. I attended an event called How to Hook an Agent, given by some well known agents. The morning consisted in several agents discussing the process of submitting your work in the best way -- and although I found I hadn't been doing anything wrong, there were definitely things I could do better, and change the emphasis. Immediately after this, and a quick bite, there was a meet the agent session, a quick ten minutes one-to-one.  Bloomsbury publishing is home to all kinds of writers, J.K. Rowling included, and it was nice to be wandering about in their maze li...

Lorraine and my wedding anniversary today. Five years of marriage now. Took Lorraine up a tea and a card, and got a lovely card back. Opened a present that Maureen and Pat had got us, which was a little door to go on the skirting board and labelled Miniature World. This made me laugh lots. An alcohol-affected night's sleep, cups of tea and breakfast for Lorraine and I, a cup of coffee for Anton then I made off on the bus to go to my glass class, Anton staying to work for the morning before returning home to his nice polished and revarnished floors. I was early so had a cup of tea in Cafe Nero first where I met Chris, whose opinion of La Traviata matched mine somewhat. An enjoyable session. After I met Lorraine outside the cafe, and she met Chris, Yvonne, Adele, Rick who lives around the corner from us, and Frances. Then Lorraine and I pushed on into town. Lorraine sorted out her phone contract and went off for a flu vaccine, and I went to Healy's solicitors to get some do...

Up early, and a long chat with Clem this morning who came in for a cup of tea. We really like Clem, and we swapped funeral stories. He'd not long returned from one in Cornwall. Then Anton arrived, as he was having his floors revarnished today. So he worked on my desk, when  Lorraine and I whizzed off to Wisley in the afternoon. Shocked to learn that it was eight years since we'd been there before. A lovely afternoon nosing around at flowers and trees, and lurking in the hothouse and so on. Also bought ourselves a couple of Acer plants too. Cheerfully back home, and Anton, Lorraine and I crammed into the kitchen, Anton and I perched on stools watching Lorraine cook what turned out to be a magnificent chicken curry and dhal and onion rice and Indian green beans. Blinking marvellous it was. Anton insisted on candles and we sat up at the big table, ate to our heart's content and then listened to music till late, a punk and post-punk playlist drinking quite a few beers and...

Lorraine to the gym today, and I did bits and pieces in the morning. This afternoon off to Glyndebourne . Travelled by train to Lewes in the afternoon, and then caught a special bus to Glyndebourne. The first time I'd been there since my trip to interview the likeable Gus Christie ten years ago about his controversial windmill. We had dressed up fairly smartly for the occasion and it was full of sixty and seventy somethings ostentatiously swigging bubbly from flutes, and swanking about self-consciously in good clothes. When it was time to go into the auditorium Lorraine was prevented from entering by an officious woman who told Lorraine she could not take a 'rucksack', her little floral rucksack, in. The woman said the word rucksack as if Lorraine had been trying to make her way in carrying a cowpat. We didn't like this much. And Lorraine gave the bag to a sympathetic cloakroom woman, who said later she knew who the woman was and she was a bit scary. Jo Green'...

A bit of solicitor related stuff this morning for me, and a few phone calls. Lorraine off to the dentist, then to see Jane, Laura's mum, for more reflexology. This seems to have a miraculous effect on Lorraine, she is all happy and balanced when she comes back from it. Also she has noticed that since the reflexology started she has been sleeping lots better.  I suggested we put Jane on speed dial. In the afternoon, I fell heavily asleep. After we sauntered down to the Cinema and watched A Star is Born . Not necessarily my usual cup of tea but it had such good reviews it seems a good idea. Lorraine and I found it a wonderful film, really great performances, and beautifully directed. Just marvellous. Lady Gaga was the female lead, and was brilliant. Quite pleased for her as she was mentioned in A Glass of Nothing a few times. I can spot 'em. We left the cinema past a young woman hyperventilating with a panic attack, but we were waved away by her sister. Passing The Shahi, t...

Monday, and no early start as it was half term. Lorraine celebrated by going off to do work in the empty school and meet her pal Penny, who she had invited in to help her organise her office. I did a bit of this and that, replying to Janet related correspondence, and then walked down through Preston Park and had a haircut in town, and then simply walked back again through the cheerful sunny park armed with a chewy brown loaf. In the afternoon I virtuously prepared my accounts for my accountant.Weird how such a simple thing can present such a mental hurdle. Only took a couple of hours or so. Then I went for a short walk in Blaker's Park and nearby streets to make up my ten thousand paces. Much colder now, with the approaching full moon brooding on the horizon, I loped Mr Hyde-like through the streets in my Guernsey jumper. A cozy night in with Lorraine.

A day of rest and socialising with folks, taking advantage of the half term. In the afternoon Lorraine drove us to the village of Fletching to the much vaunted pub The Griffin to meet Jess and Andrew. This is apparently a mecca for Sunday roast lovers. A nice drive through the country to get there, another beautiful sunny day, and a good old pub too. Lorraine had cleverly booked a table in advance,  but the pub was a shambles of disorganisation, and the staff were panicking. All the roasts were sold out, due to an unexpected influx of non-booking people. Lorraine and I ate fish and chips. On a Sunday, disrupting the natural order of things. We sat away from the stress of the main restaurant in a small side bar. And I enjoyed a couple of pints of Harveys, although had to remind the stressed young barman to give me back my change. Jess all cheerful on the birth of her first grandchild, and Andrew, newly retired and recovered from major heart ops this time last year, looked more ...

Hideous night of not sleeping. Reminded me of something I'd read on Facebook the other day: 'Insomniacs! Great news. Only three sleeps till Christmas.' I lay awake thinking about lots of troubling things. None more troubling than thinking about No Time Is Passing , the brilliant Robert Aickman story I had read during the day, which became incredibly disturbing when I thought about wide-eyed at 4.00 am. Up and gradually up, although I felt dazed and a bit out of it all day.  We drove around to pick up Betty and John and then drove off to Ashford to see Pat and Maureen, and Ken. We all went to a shop called Longacres at Bybrook Barn, that Maureen is keen on. All manner of things sold there from plants and tropical fish, to (wonderfully) Lebkuchen, as well as things like a Fantasy Unicorn Microwaveable Hottie, and a ceramic angler, man shaped but with a fish face with barbels. Lorraine wondered what a non-fantasy unicorn was. Home and Ken cooked a curry. John said he hoped...

Working from 7:30 on polishing one of the ideas I had yesterday to send off to mes amis in Paris, before going off to my stained glass class. I had the idea I'd have to do more work in the afternoon, but they loved the idea I sent them, so could relax. Having struggled a bit yesterday, pleased with this demonstration that I still have it. Enjoyed my class. Had a coffee with Chris, Yvonne and Adele after the class, but was called by irate plumbers, as I was supposed to be in this afternoon. Sonia here this afternoon, the first time I'd seen her in quite a while. Lots to say, and she told me about various archeological finds in Bulgaria and about a bridge called the Devil's Bridge, Sonia never fails to entertain me.  Luckily the plumbers turned up promptly, and did the job rapidly and left. Finally we are rid of plumbers. After a wee bit of admin then, flushed with success, I took myself out for a walk. Stopped to have a cup of coffee, feeling free and cheerfu...

Had half a plan to go up to London today, but having been given a brief by Val last night, spent the day in stead working for mes amis in Paris today, on a project to do with parasitical worms. I was going to go out for cake with Lynne from the agency in Paddington, but she was ill. Contented myself by looking at tapeworms, but however much lipstick you put on a tapeworm, it still looks rubbish. A bit of a tricky brief. Took a few short walks to aerate my brain. Spoke to Bob today, first time in a while. Spoke to Mum too, though I was knee deep in worms. Lorraine out this evening having a reflexology session with Jane, Beth's pal Laura's mum. Lorraine called me tired and stressed on the way out of school. And then after an hour's food massaging, was in a sweet and relaxed mood. Reflexology must be great. Watched Four Weddings and a Funeral tonight, as Lorraine wasn't fancying the usual murdery business. I have a soft spot for rom coms.

Getting on with it today. Finished my waiting room presentation. Worked through my list. A longish walk this afternoon. Little to report.

Another tranquil day. A cup of tea in bed from lovely Lorraine. I did a smidge more for mes amis in France, and pushed on a little with the waiting room work, and did little apart from send a few emails. Went for a walk around in Preston Park, where I did most of my ten thousand paces going into the walled garden circling the park and crossing Preston Road I slid dangerously on the slippy rocks of the rock garden. Sat in the walled garden but a nearby drone ruined the tranquility. I cooked a fine bean jar today. The stars aligned and it was excellent. We ate beany bowls of it this evening with a thick slice of chewy brown bread. Lorraine very appreciative. Delicious. As I always remark about a bean jar, it is the smell of thing slowly cooking all day that is so nice too. Been reading a strange story a day by Robert Aickman . Listened to an old BBC R4 programme about him. The stories are excellent, and Aickman who died in 1981 remains little known. An annoying drone.

More in the mood for getting on with stuff today, just as well as my French friends contacted me with some work to do this afternoon. Walked into town first thing, to pick up a prescription and buy dried beans and other provisions to soak for tomorrow's planned bean jar, and I am beginning to feel more connected with the everyday world.  Lorraine and I spent the evening listening to music and reading.

Unpacked the glass and had a look at the samples that had come with my stained glass starter pack. Some unusual pieces, opaque glass samples and very pale tints, and four big pieces of plain glass. Lorraine and I drove to buy a small light for the porch so I we can find the keyhole at night. Also drawn to a large Hobbycraft store next to the Homebase, which had some fabric for Lorraine, and I enjoyed lurking in there. This place will be catnip for Maureen when she's next in town. Home and I successfully drilled holes in brick, under Lorraine's adult supervision, and we tidied up the front garden, disturbing fat nicely patterned garden spiders while the cats zoomed in and out of the house. Chatting to neighbours. A peaceful day. Spoke via text to Toby marking school work in his cafe, while cooking as Lorraine worked. A very dull overcast afternoon that turned to heavy rain eventually. Still very warm for October. It was only last Sunday that we had the rather rushed celebr...

Unseasonably warm day. When we eventually got up, Lorraine drove us to collect Beth from teaching and Lorraine drove us to Three Bridges as Beth had a casting this afternoon in London, passing a rail replacement bus broken down on the motorway, the passengers in a crowd on the motorway verge waiting to be collected. It was a day of quality time with Lorraine. In the evening we hopped on a bus, for a quick drink in the busy The Cricketer's pub, where Lorraine and I used to meet before we were married, and where we had our wedding reception getting on for five years ago. Then on to Indian Summer for a birthday meal. The starters are excellent, we shared Bhel Puri, and Onion, Carrot and Potato Pakodas and I had the Hyderabadi murgh, my favourite thing there, while Lorraine as usual had the Indian Summer Thali, which is served in lots of little containers. Lovely stuff. Home to watch the film  Seven Psychopaths on Netflix which, despite being a bit blood spattered, was fun.

A cup of tea in bed and some birthday cards and pressies. I got a signed hardback copy of The Spy and the Traitor by Ben MacIntyre, and a shirt, from Anton and the Bairns and another book Ghost Wall by Sarah Moss from Dawn. Lorraine said that what she'd got was too complicated for first thing. Getting ready for my glass class, and Maureen phoned me, the first of many messages from all kinds of people during the day.  All very friendly at the class, and Yvonne even gave me a card.  I really enjoyed the class, and am at last beginning to speed up a bit. Afterwards I was bought a blueberry muffin by Adele, and a coffee by Chris, and hung out with them and Mick and Yvonne in the cafe. Then we all went our separate ways, and it hit me then that I had no obligations, so took a walk along the seafront. The tide was up and the sea was rough. The rough sea always makes me cheerful. Caught a bus to the bottom of Preston Park and I went to the cafe there for a falafel panini read ...

Getting up early these days. Sent off two poetry manuscripts, more from muscle memory than optimism. Pooterishly spoke to plumbers, to pay them and talk about our downstairs toilet. Russ the plumber said he'd call me early next week to arrange a time to come round at my convenience. I sniggered, but he didn't understand why. It made me think of the old Carry On film, Carry on at your Convenience . Toilets just don't seem to be called Public Conveniences any more. A short walk curtailed by rain, then I slid into inertia. I feel tired, and absent of enthusiasm. Dawn come round this evening for a chat and a bite to eat and to leave me a present for tomorrow. Her elbow seems to be healing quickly, although it feels odd and painful. Below the cast of Carry on at your Convenience on Brighton Pier,  now going under its old name of Brighton Palace Pier, which is what it would have been called when this film was made.

Feeling workshy and unable to focus well. Up early with Lorraine. After Lorraine went to work I chipped a few bits off this week's wee list. A blazing day today, I went for another walk, intending as a minimum to do my ten thousand paces.  On the pavement near the golf course I passed a young woman with two black dogs on leads.  As I passed her, one went for me nastily. It made me jump. Lots of ladybirds about today by the golf course, getting in my hair and on my skin. Good news from Beth, yet another actor she has been teaching got a distinction in their Lamda. Carl called me today. He is definitely winding up his business, and feeling all the happier for it. I also had a long chat with Sophie, who I'd not managed to talk to while all the stuff with Janet and Ken was going on. She is throwing herself back into work, now that Andros is gone. It has been a very tough time for her, but she is a strong person. I can't seem to write anything, nor read much.  I spen...

So list making this morning, a low-key list with easily achievable things on it. Contacted mes amis in Paris, as I'd not heard from them. A strange tale of disappearing emails. However all okay now, and a new project on the horizon hopefully. Spoke to Mum, texted Shaila who is over in the UK taking care of her uncle, and had been in touch.  In the afternoon I spoke to Heather, Kim having returned to Canada. Not Heather's fault, but I need to think about anything else in the world other than matters to do with Janet estate right now. I am sick to the back teeth of the whole thing. Heather returning home this week, and not a good flyer. I wished her a safe journey. During the day I went for a walk in Preston Park, it is a freakishly gorgeous day, and sat briefly by the pond, where I noticed the vast majority of the goldfish were black, presumably the gold ones being easier to spot by things predating on them and have over time resulted in a mostly black goldfish population. I...

Up early and eating porridge with Lorraine.  I felt I was beginning again today, albeit it is a very sluggish reboot, a week after Janet died. The gruelling challenges of the last month or so done with, I now have to start getting things done, but my energy is low and I feel thin-skinned. The news all about climate catastrophe. I had two walks, loving the autumn colours despite a dreary day, and regained control of my desk and my in-basket, and threw things in bins. This seemed to be enough for the first day. I found I couldn't face thinking about where I'm going to get my next bit of freelance work from, let alone my own writing. I watched a Netflix documentary about Rachel Dolezal called The Rachel Divide.   It is a case that picks at the running sores of identity and has interested me for a while. Rachel is a white American woman, whose abusive and highly-religious parents adopted lots of black kids. Hating her white parents and band protecting her adopted brothers a...

Helped by Lorraine I had to work on getting my head straight for this afternoon's celebration of Janet's life, which we held upstairs at Grand Central, where I had done my last poetry reading in Brighton.  We arrived at the venue first, and Heather and Kim and Rasmini arrived, who put frankincense on a few people, including myself. We got a couple of tables and the nieces and Lorraine put examples of Janet's embroidery on, plus another decked out with photos of Janet and Ken. It proved to be a good venue, and quite a few dozen showed up, which was impressive considering how tight the timescales were. The afternoon was very warm and successful. There was a mic and I ended up being a bit of an MC for a short while reading out the lovely messages people had sent Madeline and I about Janet. Caroline came too, and played a tape of Ken singing. A few people spoke, including memorably Reem, who wrote and delivered an excellent speech. I also had the opportunity to make an impr...

Trying not to feel angry today. It rained and seemed a seasonally appropriate dismal day. Dealt with some correspondence to do with Janet and Ken, then Lorraine and I went into town, and bumbled around the shops, and it felt very nice to just do something happy just to be doing this. I got a text tasking me with jobs about tomorrow, which I simply told the sender to do as I was in no mood to be accommodating. Home to cups of tea and cheese on toast this afternoon, and in the evening went to John and Beth's house where we had hot chicken wings and flatbreads, which Beth has learned to make very well. I drank some beer and we played cards, an advanced kind of rummy which John plays very competitively, and a game of Euchre, which John and Lorraine won. Beth being very caring to me tonight.   Then back on the bus home, full of harmless, but lustily-singing boy Brighton fans. Their songs seemed to centre on the despicable nature of Crystal Palace. After a few stops, they got off, on...

This was the morning of the cremation of Janet, my friend of thirty years. A call from Rod as I was sorting out sombre clothes to wear. He and Claire took it in turns to literally scream at me about something to do with Ken and Janet's house. It seems that the Canadians had moved possessions around in preparation for taking things back to Canada. Nothing to do with me of course. But I was treated to a stream of abuse from both of them, about the house and how nobody was thinking about Ken. This from the family I had to persuade to take Ken's wellbeing seriously, as I was emptying their father's piss bag and chasing carers and catching Janet's puke in bowls and so on. I gave both of these fucking idiots what for in no uncertain terms. Unfortunately, after I ended this call I was shaking with anger.  It was only by talking to Lorraine, that I began to calm down a bit. But I was too furious and upset to go to the cremation, where apparently there were unseemly scene...

A quieter day today, dealing with correspondence from Janet's pals, many of whom are sending lovely messages about the benign influence Janet has had on them, as I have sent out lots of emails to people in Janet's address books. I walked into town to pick up the now redundant Power of Attorney documents that had been taken by Rod and Claire, which had been returned. I was at last left to process all that had happened during the week, and enjoyed walking in Preston Park.  Later, I cooked a good chicken stew in the evening, ate with my lovely Lorraine and then popped along to the Preston Park Tavern for a cheeky beer with Anton. Spoke to Mum, and messages with Toby during the day. An earlyish night.

Various bits of admin with Janet this morning. As the Canadians have to return home, they have swiftly organised a cremation on Friday and I booked the room upstairs at Grand Central for a celebration of her life, with a buffet and so on. I was sent two address book lists from Janet's computers with many contacts, and I had to sift through these to send the invite out this evening once the details were sorted. This a difficult process, not helped by the mail program freezing and me having to force quit it half way through and start again. However much more enjoyably I went up to London today to meet Mum, the first time in too long. We had a nice afternoon, meeting in the Waterstones bookshop in Bloomsbury, where I couldn't help but buy two books, and then visiting The Grant Museum of Zoology, an odd little place stuffed with bleached out pickled creatures, such as a jar of moles or a jar of lugworms, and various skeletons, including one of the rarest skeletons in the world, a...

A poor night's sleep. I came downstairs and had a chamomile tea at around 4am, with Calliope delightedly purring on me for half an hour. Being the day after Janet died, there were lots of calls this morning.  Pat phoned me to send his and Maureen's condolences and saying that him and Maureen were sad about Janet's death. Then I went to Janet and Ken's house, and met Madeline, Hus, May, Heather and Kim. After a protracted but ultimately successful search for Janet's passport, we all drove to Martlets for a short meeting and to be handed over relevant certificates. Madeline said that to proceed, she had to be sure she was the named executor in the will, so May drove me home as I had a copy of the will. We got stuck in traffic, I enjoyed chatting with May though, she is an intelligent and sensitive person. May and drove us back to Third Avenue and waited for the others, who had gone to the Town Hall to collect the death certificates, of which many were needed. Felt...

Janet died this evening. I had been to the hospice at lunchtime and I found Hus and Ken in his wheelchair in the car park. Ken had just been taken to see Janet, and was about to be driven off to Leamington in the car with Rod and Claire and Caroline. I heard later that Ken had said in a moment of clarity that she would not last the day. He seemed very sad then, but apparently was singing in the car most of the way north. I went into the hospice and said hello to Ken's family who were just leaving, and to Kim and Heather who were staying put.  I spent a little time with Janet, who was not conscious, and breathing hard. I held her hand, Kim and Heather asked me if I wanted to be alone with her, but there is no unfinished business between us I didn't need this.  When the nurses came to change her position, and then move her into a single room with a view of the garden. Hus and I left and drove back to Ken and Janet's house.  I thought I might pick up the power of ...