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Monday moods

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Lorraine feeling a bit strained this morning, taking phone calls from someone delivering a new turner to get in and out of chairs for Pat. She went over as usual, and Maureen feeling very sad, telling Lorraine that she just wanted to be with her mum and other cheery stuff. They drove off to Newhaven together, but Lorraine stopped off home, and I went to the car to speak to Maureen, who was crying. She cheered up a little later though, thankfully. Her hearing aid broke and she is going to the audiologist later this week. I don't think not hearing anything helps. I spoke to Mum who is already taking steps to sell her car. I agreed not to go up this week, but will zoom up next Monday or Tuesday. She can be very resilient sometimes. Also I chatted with Anton, who told me he is quite enjoying having some alone time to just process everything, or wallow, as he put it.  At the gym I did about 70% of a normal workout. Quite enjoyed it though, and the lats machine free when I went in, which...
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Reset

A pinch and a punch. A couple of hours of tidying up post breakfast. It's not even beer badger stuff, where the kitchen is left messy after a night out, but a deeply sedimented untidiness. We made good progress.  Then what I think of as a reset day, where you get put back to your factory settings. Lorraine melting happily away into the studio for a few hours of pottery. She'd been frustrated with not being able to get on with it, and came out feeling pleased. I pressed on with my new M John Harrison book, The End of Everything . Also slept again, still needing extra rest after October's nasty bug. And put up one of my zines here . I also tried to think about drawing or writing. But I don't have much of anything that's ready to be said, and I don't seem to be in the right frame of mind. First day of not having my blood pressure taken by Lorraine. We will send off the week of good readings on Monday. A relief. For dinner we cooked ribs in the air fryer. I don...
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I send this to the flames

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Up and after breakfast, up and tidying up and laundry and so on. Lorraine and I went into Seaford, and looked again at the exhibition at the crypt. We spoke lots to Chris Ford who becomes more interesting the more we talk to him. He did a PhD in the development of frog eggs. Lorraine and I talking to Anton who seems to now have a bad cold.   From there I dragged myself off to the gym, where I did a reduced workout doing a little of everything, not been all month due to feeling under the weather. Home again, and fell asleep on the sofa for an hour.  In the evening off to Andy's house where we lurked in her garden for a halloween party. It backs onto a little bit of sunken field called The Buckle, so we were looking down on a patch of darkness, with stars in the sky close to the sea. We had discussed symbolically burning something to be rid of it. So before Lorraine and I left I'd printed off some slips of paper on which I'd printed Good Riddance -- I send this to the flame...
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Tried and tested

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Up and spent two hours tidying up the kitchen, and studio and making breakfast and so on. Then to my desk for the next three and a half hours talking to Mum and applying for insurance. Went with one of the leading comparison websites, and after filling out all the forms, being on facetime with Mum getting her driving liscence number and so on, and getting a very expensive quote from the cheapest provider,  the site would not process the transaction, and said we should phone. They said there was a problem with an unreported issue, and showed me to the government site. Finding this I found a lapsed speeding ticket from three years ago. I called back to say I had found the details. The quote was then increased by over a half, to three and a half thousand pounds. We discussed this, and Mum decided that it was too much to pay for car insurance.  This is very difficult, as it means mum's independence is compromised. But after hours of pursuing it, this seems the policy of insurers t...
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Afternoon with Anton

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Up feeling tetchy and tired. Enzo around first thing and full of beans. Blood pressure done, by Lorraine then off to drawing class, which cheered me up somewhat. Another male model, nice guy, but I prefer drawing women. Enjoyed chatting with Melissa after class, and John and another woman I don't usually talk to who had been a technical writer.  Home to be a monster chasing Enzo as he crawled up the stairs, which made hime squeal happily a few times.    Off this afternoon to Brighton, to see Anton. He met me outside the station, a Frodoish air about him of weariness and having seen too much. We walked down to the Hole in the Wall, and talked lots over a couple of slow drinks, after toasting Anne. He is being extremely resilient. His operation is November 11th. Obviously there will be a funeral for Anne of course, but this is likely to happen afterwards. Old pals are good, and we reminded each other of the various crises that have come and gone in our lives, and we've been...
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Insurance troubles

To Edgware. Mum's car insurance had run out, and I needed to sort this out. A hundred relevant papers spread out on the table, and eventually I worked out that her existing insurance company allowed her cover to lapse, so that when she reapplied they would not have to take her on due to her age. I spent two and a half hours contacting insurers and the best offer we had was slightly below four thousand pounds for the year. We didn't take this up, and I discussed with her that it would be cheaper to take a regular taxi ride than pay this, and for the upkeep of her car. Obviously this is difficult because she loses independence. We walked into Edgware and had a meal in somewhere called Jenny's. No sign of any booze on the menu but they were happy to give mum a glass of wine. Friendly little place. Then to the bus garage. My bus came, I paused to give Mum a kiss goodbye and it left instantly before I could get on it. Long journey home, missing a train by seconds at Mill Hill et...
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Anne dies

Anne died in hospital this evening. Anton's obviously exhausted and numb, having visited her every day for the last 25 days while himself awaiting heart surgery. We got a call from Anton this evening. We offered to go around, but understandably he was just shattered and wanted to go to bed. My day started with Lorraine taking my blood pressure. Turns out after several attempts my blood pressure reading was actually pretty good, and this evening too. I looked at a screen with some blossom blowing in the wind while a soft  Irish voice said calming stuff about breathing. This seemed to counteract the usual raging white coat syndrome. Lorraine is brilliant, and she did it three times in a row, and each time the reading dropped. It's the opposite when someone else does it. Otherwise faffing about not achieving much other than domestic chores and telling Mum I'd visit tomorrow. While Lorraine off at her pottery course, this evening I went to the Tidelines show in the Crypt, whic...
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Best thing I ever did...

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Lorraine and my thirteenth wedding anniversary day today. A rainy Monday, but we had some nice time together this evening. We'll bank our celebration for a bit later, but when I got in this afternoon, I brought some chocolate and flowers for Lorraine, who devoured the chocolate with relish. I'd been to Brighton this afternoon to see Anton, and find out how he's doing and what we can do to help. He will probably have his heart operation next week. And we discussed what needs to happen after this. Meanwhile Anne is still holding on in hospital. It's all very hard for him at the moment. Home and Mum needs to sort out car insurance, so I will pop up this week and do this. Can't wait to shake off this post-covid tiredness. Just little or no energy all the time. Began reading the new book by M John Harrison called The End of Everything just before bedtime. It was splendid. Below... Thirteen years ago.  
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Fall back

The clocks went back last night. Maureen phoned to say that someone had been in her flat and tampered with all the clocks, and demanding to know what time it was. Meanwhile Mum had got up an hour early, and was wondering why Wynford wasn't ready to go to church. When I spoke to Mum in the evening it seems that George next door is in hospital, and that Wynford had gone to visit him. Wynford is something close to a saint. Texting with Anton today. Anne is still hanging in there. Unbelievably difficult time for him.  Beth and James both struggling with the bug we had, had a terrible night with a teething Enzo, so Lorraine zoomed around and collected the bairn. Breakfast with him, and lots of playing with trucks and so on. Later Beth and James came around, both shattered with the bug, and lack of sleep. Meanwhile Enzo on the cusp of walking, and saying words like yes, and bird, and car quite clearly now. It's like waiting for a present to be opened. Watching Enzo tottering between ...
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Peace

While Lorraine, catching up on much needed sleep, a pre-breakfast frenzy for me carrying all the garden furniture, barbecue etc. from the garden into the studio, as well as ducking into the glasshouse to pick some last tomatoes and chilies. I came up to chat to her in the bedroom a large green caterpillar crawled out of my sleeve. Lots of rain again today, so I felt I had to act first thing before the heavy rain started. A kipper breakfast followed by glorious day of reading  The Things We Never Say by Elizabeth Strout, a present from Dawn and Paul. A moving tale of an unassuming but popular teacher who is happily married but feels lonely, and after discovering his beloved son is not his own and his wife had betrayed him, decides not to tell his wife that he knows. This is played out against a darkening American political backdrop and people's relationships becoming increasingly strained. But there is love and forgiveness in there too. A slightly gloomy book but not without hope. ...
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Reboot

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Trying to make some sort of progress today. Did some admin on the podcast.  Spoke to Mum briefly, who had successfully had her jabs yesterday. Finished re-reading Something Wicked This Way Comes , by Ray Bradbury. While it's not prefect, I loved revisiting it at the same time of year as the story is set. But it was also provoked memories of where I was when I read it the first few times. Reading Bradbury made me want to live in the midwest of America when I was young. He made it seem so magical. Lorraine brought Maureen home for a few hours, while Pat was at the day centre. Her hearing aid has broken and so it was hard to talk to her. I showed her some life drawings I'd done, and appalled her with a sketch of a naked man.  Still needing a sleep in the afternoon, after that bug.  In the evening Lorraine and I made off to the Boot. Delores brought a belated birthday present of a semolina custard pie, which she'd cooked. Lovely, and she also gave me a card with a tenner in i...
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Something different

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The baby dropped off after a disturbed teething night. Beth looking a bit shattered, before she returned home to work. Before we had breakfast a fox came and looked at me through the back door for about twenty seconds. We had breakfast with the bairn, then I made off to my drawing class. The model a man I have drawn many times. Nice to see Adele and Debbie and Melissa, and chat to John. Discovered I had forgotten my pencils so Kate, who I sit next to lots, lent me some conte crayons, and coloured paper and I tried those, ended up quite enjoying using them. A much needed sleep in the afternoon, while Lorraine and Enzo were dozing upstairs. Once the boy up, he was wanting to do lots of walking, and I walked him up and down the many times, holding his hands as he walked. Very sweet, and he is able to get to his feet spontaneously now too. He's just on the cusp of walking properly now.   Off this evening to The Evening Star, where I met Mark and Peter. A very restrained night for us, a...
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Venturing out

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Lorraine very busy today, doing rhyme time, getting Pat into the bus for his day care and spending time with Maureen. I texted Anton and was going to meet him this afternoon, but he is being understandably cautious of any remaining lurgy I might have because of his operation which is next week. Anne still in hospital. The whole thing is so difficult for him at the moment. Went for a bit of a walk along the seafront. Rough and exhilarating. Mark messaged me and Mr Hoibak saying he would be late at the pub tonight. I called him as the arrangement was for last night.  Off this evening to Lewes to see Dawn and Paul for a pub dinner. They'd both had the same lurgy as us recently. I really enjoyed being out and socialising, and it was good to hear that although they are going through final negations on their house, they have decided to stay in Sussex. We met at the Pelham Arms, which was pleasant, the food quite pricey for what it was. I had pint and then a half, but fancied no more. Tal...
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Jabless

A rainy day, and I thought of Wynford's family and Mum, Ben and other neighbours who were attending Barry's funeral. UP and I made breakfast and assembled a beanjar, and the beefy beany herby aromas lingered nicely during the day as it slow cooked. The beajar of the season. Then I made breakfast. Lorraine off to see her personal trainer today, which was remarkable.  I tidied the house, sorted out draws of clothes, and printed off and sent hardcopy poems from One Day Forever to one of the kind people who said they might give me an endorsement for the back cover. Poked about in Sussex Stationers, which is closing, having gone the way of Smiths and its alias TG Jones. Nothing much left in Seaford other than cafes and charity shops. I came away with some black card. Found myself drifting into negativity, which I am doing my best to shake off.  Off to Peacehaven by bus for my flu jab. Found the pharmacy, but had to wait standing for some time. The questionnaire asked if I'd had...
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Doldrums

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Somewhat in the doldrums. Wanting to get on with stuff, but having little energy or ideas. I walked for about 50 minutes. A nice chat with Mum this afternoon. Texted Anton.  Lorraine took Maureen out and bought fancy goldfish and generally got on with life again, despite being weary. Some long sleeved shirts delivered. Watched Larry Saunders on YouTube. Then started watching a show called Below heavily influenced by H.P. Lovecraft with a giant squid monster, quite silly but fun too.
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Apple pie to end it all

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We'd gone to bed really early. I got up in the middle of the night for a cup of chamomile -- the only acceptable time to drink chamomile by the way -- my head buzzing with zine ideas.  Now Beth and Enzo are unwell. James dropping him off with us for a bit. All the same bug, which Beth thinks is covid as she can't taste anything. I don't care what it is, I just want it gone. The boy still sunshiny though, despite his paleness and looking rather pale. Enjoying playing with his trucks. Mum managed to swerve the bug when she was down. Otherwise she has been busy seeing people, and her pub posse seems to be active again.  In the afternoon, Lorraine went to get her ears tested, which confirmed what she had suspected, that she had some hearing loss. She is philosophical about this news as her mum and all her aunts had hearing loss. I am following her lead, but feel sorry about it too. Both rather tired after this, and Enzo's visit.  The comfort of roast chicken dinner tonight....
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Zines are go...

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Lorraine off to the Seaford Zine Fair early, to set up with the zines. I said I would creep in later. I did so, at about 12 noon, and it was incredible. The room was jammed with people, and the event was a real success. Lots of pals there of course, but I made off very quickly as the walk there was very tiring for me, and also I'd not expected it to be so crowded, and felt I was infecting people. Amazing though, and Adele and Kitty Oakley have done a fabulous job in starting something. I was hugely impressed. I said as much to Adele and Kitty. Lots of our pals there, including Melissa, Debbie, Mandy, Catriona, Patrick's sister over from Ireland, Andrew there too, and Kate R, from the stained glass people, and many others. Walking home I bumped into Adrian and Laura on the street and told them about the show. I went home and crashed out for a while.  Lorraine returned, having had a really good time. She'd been sitting next to Melissa, and enjoyed talking to her. She'd so...
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Cottage industry

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Felt less ill this morning that yesterday morning, but this not great. Certainly too rubbish to go out to the pub this evening. This bug has made it its mission to stamp out fun. The Seaford Zine Fair tomorrow, and Lorraine putting in loads of hard work sewing the cloth covers of the little zines. Lorraine also hard at work helping her mum and dad today, and also having to collect Enzo, who wouldn't go to sleep at the nursery. I crept about and cooked this evening while Lorraine was hard at work sewing covers producing the wee zines like one woman a cottage industry. It's so kind of her to put so much effort in on my behalf. We also watched Traitors.  Below a red admiral, just outside the kitchen door. One flap of its wing is all that's needed to change the world.
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A sad perspective

Feverish cold this morning. Missed my drawing class. Stayed in bed, till about 11. I called Mum, who had seen Steve and some of her old Waggon and Horses pals yesterday, which she really enjoyed.  Anne is still in intensive care. Although she is bright and with it, her condition is sadly inoperable. She and Anton have had a harrowing time. Anna has been brilliant, and Klaudia and Oskar have been with their grandmother lots too. Anton sounds shattered.  Otherwise did a bit of zine work from the comfort of my armchair, and generally hung about being taken care of by Lorraine who has been lovely, despite still not feeling great herself. Feeling a bit rough due to flu, put perspective by what Anton's dealing with. I definitely felt better at the end of the day than I had at the beginning of it.  Lorraine and I watching Traitors tonight, Also an interview with Sting. What creatives need, Sting said, was a wound, a place and a voice.
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The inevitable

Feeling poor today, and this evening I had a fever and was streaming. Boo to it. A sweaty feverish night. It was inevitable. Had to bump seeing Patrick and Andrew tonight to listen to Patrick's new tunes, including Swimming Pool, which was a drag.  A productive day, thought, thanks to Lorraine. I finished doing the zines, and printed them out. Lorraine is doing covers for them out of fabric. They look great. She is a marvel. 
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